I can live for two months on a good compliment – Mark Twain

December is the point in the year when we reflect on the year nearly done, and think about colleagues we worked closely with and to whom we owe a great deal. School leaders do a lot of asking all year long, and this seems to be the tipping point when our mood shifts, and we remember to say thank you. We give praise in all sorts of ways. We send cards and gifts, but we also give words of appreciation. So I’ve been asking myself how can I improve the way I say thanks.

A few of years ago I watched a headteacher attempt to praise his staff for something. His patronising tone led to crossed arms and closed faces, and people walked straight out as soon as he finished speaking. What was intended as a thank you, was heard as an insult.

In the same week I saw a different headteacher speaking to her Y11. Something had clearly gone wrong – a group of pupils had let slip values the school held tightly. But her carefully balanced words, the balance of pride and disappointment, and her warm tone meant there was rapt silence. It felt like each student met her disappointment. Some even stayed behind afterwards to talk to her, like they wanted to put things right, to ‘belong’. What was meant as a reprimand, felt more like a family round-the-table meeting.

Praise can look and feel different, and it’s so easy to get it wrong. But when we get it right, the impact can be magical. I marvel at the way some people give authentic encouragement, and see it reinforce and multiply the behaviours they want to see. We enhance whatever we praise. Their ability to raise the collective mood and motivation of colleagues is awe-inspiring. People with this ability achieve something exponential, beyond their immediate circle. Their praise becomes memorable, it ripples through the organisation.

When I see leaders with this winning aptitude for delivering praise, it can seem like an art. But I’ve learnt there are simple principles which can help us improve the particular skill of delivering praise, and there are routines we can build into our week which can help us to accomplish what usually sinks to the bottom of our heaving in-tray. There’s a science to this too. If praise only happens when I remember, or am sparked by something good that I see, it won’t be effective enough to lift staff morale.

My Dad once had a Praktica SLR camera. It was a sleek, black German thing of beauty, and with it he took photos of mountains and lakes I had walked up or swam in. But when I studied his photos later, the images seemed to be from a perspective I’d missed, or with a photographic clarity I had not known existed. I’d been too immersed in the hills and the water. I couldn’t see what he saw.

By swinging the lens of attention around to praiseworthy things we help to move the focus of those around us to a more positive attention. It helps us all to think better of people, to cancel out our gloomier thoughts, to look for the good in colleagues. One of the most interesting things I’ve been taught about prayer, is that offering praise to God is at its most difficult, yet most important, when life is tough. Similarly, I think that thanking people when you least feel like it, is good for the soul. Good leaders operate a little like a camera, capturing things that are in plain sight, but that most of us are too busy or preoccupied to see.

Effective praise is where excellent work, team-behaviours and thoughtful actions are brought out of the dark for us all to shine a spotlight on them. It makes me wonder why we haven’t added this skillset to training logs, CPD programmes, or at least a unit in the NPQs? Why do we assume it’s a given of leaders?

Here are ten principles I’ve learned from watching others praise well:

1/ Limited commodity or renewable resource?
Leaders often treat praise as though it’s a limited commodity. It’s as though they feel they’re not allowed to share good news with colleagues until lever-arch-files worth of plaudits and accolades have been racked up. The problem with being miserly with praise, is that when we fail to hear good feedback, when we are starved of praise, we reflect that scarcity outwards. The truth, of course,  is that praise is a never-ending pot, and not a genie lamp where you get three chances before it’s empty. Praise is a renewable resource.

2/ Don’t Deflect
Our response to positive words is usually to deflect them. The result is twofold: firstly, we stifle the giver. You can actually sometimes see people physically put out their hands to push back the words offered. Secondly, because we fail to hold onto them, we lose the opportunity for those words of praise to have impact. We become a little like Scrooge, hearing the ghost of Christmas Past, trying to put a cap on the light. So when you are saying well done, resist the receiver’s attempts to deflect your words.

3/ Be specific
General compliments are next to useless. Instead, describe exactly what your colleague did that you admired, how it made a difference to others. Spell out why it’s particularly noteworthy, or how their work directly contributed to what we are trying to focus on as a team.

So, in a 1:1 instead of ‘That was great!’ how about, ‘I loved the way that you de-escalated that situation – the tone of voice as you spoke to that child on the playground, and how you brought your eye level to theirs to explain and help them to calm down. That’s a tough skill.’

Or in a staff meeting, instead of ‘thanks for getting your assessments done’, how about ‘everybody completed their assessments by the deadline, which respects our tutors and our admin team who have deadlines to meet to issue these home.’ 

The more specific you are, the more authentic the praise, the longer lasting the effect and the better your colleague will feel.

4/ Discover in private what to praise in public. Sometimes it takes real effort to see people at their best. Too often managers focus on the tiny fraction of visible flaws, and ignores the behind-the-scenes successes or kindnesses. It sees the speck not the log; notices the needle instead of catching sight of the camel. With this simple visual, Henry Ward probably says more about the power of praise than anything:

One of the most extraordinary things of working for a great boss, is when you truly believe that they are actively looking to find out what you are really good at, or what you’re working hard on, out of sight.

There are lots of ways we like to receive praise: in public in front of our peers, in private face-to-face, by a carefully worded email, or through cards or gifts of acknowledgement. In my experience, there is no one who doesn’t want praise or need it. While some may not seem to hear it well, or may prove rather stoically English, this may simply be because they’ve not benefited from a culture of affirmation in the past. I’ve yet to meet a colleague who moans about their boss sending them an email describing what they’d accomplished, and why it was appreciated.

But don’t underestimate the power of public praise. Kim Scott, author of Radical Candour explains how it helps spur on others to strive for excellence: “When you share specifically what was great and why it was great publicly, not only did it have more meaning for the person being praised, it helps the whole team learn something new.”  

5/ Remember the positive to negative ratio
Most of us know the Losada Ratio (five positive interactions for every negative one), but here’s a less well-known statistic from Losada’s research. The factor that made the greatest difference between the most and least successful teams was the ratio of positive comments to negative comments. High performing teams averaged 5.6; middle performing teams 1.9; low performing teams 0.3 to 1. (Heaphy and Losada). For a quick way to improve your score, spend a few minutes thinking about some recent work by one of your team. Overlook what’s wrong (we spot this first) and find what’s right. Then think carefully about how you think they’d most like to receive your feedback.

6/ Choose something to change
Choose a behaviour you want to see across your team, identify those people who carry this out really well, then showcase exactly what they do. It shouldn’t be complicated. In fact your skill as a leader is how simply you can communicate this. This works also if someone is underperforming –  they need evidence of when they get things right, so tell them when, and show them exactly what made the difference.

7/ Don’t blur the message
We so rarely hear words of praise which are unadorned with hidden messages. Words always seem to come with additional meanings or subliminal messages. We often wrap a little feedback within a sandwich of vague praise. I think this explains why we never completely trust what we hear when we’re ‘complimented’ at work.

Listeners are normally waiting for the but, at the end of the compliment, or are waiting to insert their own: ‘yes but it could have been better if I…’ Shut this thinking down. You want this to be a well-framed, 100% positive input with no exceptions.

Better to keep the two separate, that way each one retains its value. Let your colleague know why you’re talking to them; then deliver the message, then get out of there. Walking away quickly allows the positive feeling to land, it prevents us from adding any unhelpful ‘noise,’ or additional constructive advice or feedback (that’s another conversation, for another time).

Praise, done well, is unconditional. It’s the closest a leader can do to express unconditional affirmation to a colleague.

8/ Comparison praise
We tend to praise people by comparing them to others. This means lifting one person up at the expense of another. I was once given the compliment, ‘You were the best speaker today, Ian.’ I was pleased, for a moment, and then I asked myself, What feels wrong about this? Firstly, it reduced all the other speakers, when my intention wasn’t actually to win – we weren’t in a debate. Second, it reminded me of all the times when I haven’t been ‘the best’, and when in the future I won’t be the best, so I’m now much more self-conscious for the next time I’m up in front of people.

9/ Create a weekly rhythm
Choose a weekly slot for public praise. We all need diary reminders. We need rhythm and routine both to make reward happen, and to help others to be able to contribute to this. For instance, if I know I have to get my nominations for the ‘beyond the call of duty’ award by midday Thursday, it means I am already thinking on Wednesday afternoon about recognising the good in others and searching hard for those bits of brilliance that can so easily go unnoticed in a grey and dismal week. You can choose to publish nominations, celebrate with wine or chocolate, share with parents or pupils, or even call out ‘employee of the month,’ if that’s your style. But the main thing is that your weekly routine encourages people to be on the lookout for the good in others. A hint: look out for the introverts, and those doing the unglamorous work which is often unseen. Here’s where the gold lies. You pointing their work out to others speaks volumes.

10/ Follow praise with action.
I think this is the difference between good leaders and really forward-thinking leaders. They build on empowering words, putting them into effect by suggesting a next step, by offering a project or an idea to run with, a colleague to mentor, or a responsibility to consider. It could be the beginning of something exciting and it means that you trust them with more than your kind words. There is a powerful link between hearing effective praise and our sense of confidence. Confidence is the colloquial term for self-efficacy – the belief that you can successfully master something. We gain a sense of self-efficacy when we see ourselves mastering skills and achieving goals. When you receive specific praise for actions which were helpful, then you believe your future actions will help master any challenges ahead, and you then anticipate success. The effective delivery of praise can grow the confidence of your team.

We are surrounded with so many brilliant team members deserving of our thanks. At a time when neither the inspection narrative, nor messages from the DFE show much appreciation of the behind-the-scenes work being done by our colleagues in education, now feels like the right time to say thank you. Offering praise to your team costs nothing, but it does take thoughtfulness and care. And when we get it right, this can motivate your team to perform at their best. They will sense that you are thinking carefully about them and doing your best to create the conditions which will help them succeed.