The way you treat people is what they become. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

When we sit down with a teacher after observing their lesson, we think carefully about all the myriad elements we might choose to feedback. And mostly we know to only select the one or two elements which are helpful for them to work on right at this stage. Anything more is too much.

Similarly, when we must lead a difficult conversation, there is lots of information we might share. There may be problematic areas (eg. negativity towards colleagues, failed deadlines, complaints from staff or parents). But the reality is that we know that to share too much information at once would simply overload. So how do we manage this? How do we give just the right amount of feedback, and deliver it in the most positive way possible?

I find these two steps useful:

Step 1/ Know which element is the trigger?
I have to make a choice – so I write down all of what I know, look it all over and ask myself what’s the key thing we need to deal with. That’s not always easy. The issue which particularly annoys me the most may not actually be the one which hurts my team the most. Especially when they need to adjust plans or pick up the pieces. I need to select the one issue which, if changed, will have the greatest impact on everyone. The one which may prove the key to unlocking other problems. The root cause, not the secondary behaviours. It may feel like you are having to ignore quite a lot, but once you have decided exactly what needs addressing, move to step 2.

Step 2/ Find a positive way of giving a negative message
Each difficult conversation is different. Sometimes you just need to spell out a negative message. There’s been too much avoiding a problem and it needs airing. But there are other times when the real skill with managing people is in pointing to when they’re at their best.

At the heart of understanding which conversation to have is knowing the outcome you want, and thinking of the best way to get there. Here’s a technique I have found which helps me achieve this. I call it: when I see you….

Let’s say I am just about to talk to my colleague about speaking negatively about colleagues. Here’s what I say:

a) “When I see you at your best, you work closely with your team. When I see you at your best you support X with lesson planning, you helped Y when they struggled with their class…” (here I’m trying to remind them of their ‘best’ practice around the area of present difficulty).
b) “But what just happened was not like that. You were talking negatively about them when they were not even in the room. It was not you at your best.”

Then allow the message to land and listen to their response. But don’t allow yourself to get drawn into an argument about what happened. This can risk drawing you away from the whole point of the message, and down the rabbit hole of deflection. If they try to do that, bring them gently back to the learning. Then quietly exit, leaving them with a sense of your confidence in them: confidence that they can and will address this issue, that they have the internal resources to change. We all require the space and the dignity to internalise a message we’ve learned. To reflect alone.

The repetition is key, but so is the fact that you are not focusing on what you saw. You are instead putting the focus on what you’ve observed when they’re at their best. And this is a surprise to the receiver. They sense that you have obviously studied them at their best, that you know how they operate in granular detail when they’re on top form. Which is encouraging, empowering, and also true. More true than the reverse, in fact.

What we are doing here, of course, is reminding our colleague that the excellence they produce each day outweighs this small bad moment. While you are challenging their behaviour because you need this to change, and you are doing it by reminding them of their potential to be good. We all need encouragement in adversity, when we get something wrong. As psychologist Carl Rogers said, the curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I change. This is the heart of what he coined ‘unconditional positive regard’.

Finally, I find it helps to provide a reminder of how we should work as a team. That whether we are talking about a punctuality problem, a performance issue or a conduct challenge, this is how I expect us to be, this is what we believe here, these are our shared values. And in the case of being negative with colleagues I might say something like: “we all get frustrated, but if we are be an effective team in which we can trust, then I expect you to talk openly and honestly with that person and not speak behind their back.”

So, putting it all together, you are providing a reminder with rhythm:
a) when I see you at your best (unconditional positive regard)
b) this was not you at your best (falling below our expectations)
c) this is what we believe here (reminder of our shared values)

Because you spend much more time on a) and c), and much less on b), it prevents a defensive response or an unnecessary conversations about what may or may not have happened. It also provides a way forwards and redirects people from the problem and quickly onto the solution.

This models to others how a difficult conversation can be handled with ease, clarity and positivity. In the same way that I want my line manager to visualise me at my best, this becomes the default lens I hope I apply to others. And knowing that I’m seen like this can have a galvanising influence on the way I go about my day. It is the soil in which my psychological safety grows, the space in which I can take risks, the culture in which I want to work.